Hey Milwaukee, learn how to tell the world you set a record

What is this, amateur hour? Skip ahead to the 2:05 mark and watch how sadly those numbers come off the board. This must be the first record ever set for the Brewers other than number of years irrelevant in MLB which might be something around 28. Next time, study your tapes of 2131 and don't bring that weak sauce around here again.

Goodbye Summer, Hello BLOG!

Oh, hey look, we're blogging again. I admit for a while there it looked like the blog was over, well guess what bitches, just like Jersey Shore we are going to keep coming back and back until this product gets old and stale.

However, I think you are all due a short summer recap. It was hot. Really f-ing hot. So we built a pool and had pool parties all the time. If you didn't make it to any parties (which judging by the average of 6 people each time you didn't) good news, there is a video of what you missed...

SWIMMING POOL PAATY!

Actually I lied, this isn't the most recent video of the pool because this one doesn't have our inflatable beer pong raft.

To rub it in our faces that the summer is over, the pool went and died itself the color of the Chicago River on St. Patrick's Day. So now we don't even have that going for us.

The good news, however, is that the blog is back and better than ever. Stick around...

My "Inception" Review.

Just saw Inception. Good movie. Great movie really. I wasn't going to go until BDK pretty much forced everyone to. I think I liked it, however, because it is a combination of two of my favorite things. A Treehouse of Horror episode on The Simpsons, and Total Recall. Put these two videos together and you have Inception. I think Chris Nolan owes Arnold a few residuals tho!

The Simpsons - Nightmare On Evergreen Terrace - View more free videos

O's grounds crew falls over and under tarp. Sums up their season nicely!

In the land of the Orioles, when it rains, it pours. This video pretty much sums up the O's season, and it doesn't even involve any players. The worst part of this whole scenario, which is wildly amusing, is that not one donkey on the grounds crew thinks to move the tarp backwards to get the kid out. Instead they all just look on while a guy attempts to pull him out from under the tarp like he just got his legs blown off in Vietnam. I'm pretty sure that is the first lesson in tarp rolling 101. If person gets stuck under tarp, move tarp off person.

In other news the Orioles lost this game. Went 2-8 on the homestand and are still in last place. Training camp opens tomorrow. Our nightmare summer is almost over. Except for that guy who lost his legs under the tarp today.

Baltimoron of the week: Andres Alonzo

Baltimore: City schools CEO Andrés Alonso has vowed to begin new initiatives to combat student truancy after the city's performance on state tests showed an average achievement gap of 25 percentage points between elementary and middle school students who are repeatedly absent and those who attend regularly. The superintendent said he would focus on student attendance, even if it means deploying central office staff to knock on the doors of students who are chronically absent — which means they miss more than 20 days of school a year. "We are at a point now where we know that kids aren't coming to school," Alonso said. "It's a problem. We need to go the extra mile." Data taken from the city's 2010 Maryland School Assessments — which tests third- through eighth-graders in math and reading — showed there was a 15-percentage-point achievement gap in reading proficiency and a 21-percentage-point achievement gap in math between students who were chronically absent and those who weren't. More than 5,000 students in third to eighth grade were chronically absent last year.

So let me get this straight, it is a news story that kids who don't show up to school, basically at all, don't do well on the state tests?? No shit. You know, come to think of it, I missed a class in college to watch Xavier beat down National #1 and undefeated St. Joe's. You know what happened, the next class I got a 68 on the test. Sounds like we have our answer, Mr. Alonzo, go round up all of those kids, put them in vans, drop them off at school, and then poof, you have higher test scores. Good job, you earned your paycheck this week! OH WAIT, this is Baltimore son. You aren't going to find those kids, you are not going to force them back to school, and when they sit down to take those tests, they aren't going to do much better. Why? Because they aren't college students. They don't understand what school is, much less what a math or reading problem is. Maybe if we could find a way to teach the kids who do show up, we could actually get through to a few, and have them help themselves and their community. And for those who don't show up, I think we could all learn something from Bunny Colvin....

Baltimoron of the week: Dale E. Beecher

WESTMINSTER, Md. -- The Baltimore Ravens have a new autograph policy at training camp this year. Players will now sign autographs for children only after morning practices and autographs will not be available after afternoon practices. President Dick Cass said crowds at morning practices have become so large that there have been concerns about safety with people pushing to get close to players. He said now more children will have the chance to get autographs."We have considered changing the way we do autograph signings for a few years," Cass said. "Our crowds for the morning practices have become so large that we’ve had safety situations with people pushing each other to try and get closer to the players. Often times, children would be put in difficult positions with the rush for autographs, especially from our most popular players."

WBAL-TV 11 Facebook fan Dale E. Beecher wrote, "That's not right! I can see guaranteeing children getting autographs, but don't turn away other fans!"

First of all, I wholeheartedly agree with this new policy. There is nothing more sad than grown men pining over another grown man scribbling on a piece of paper. And what is the saddest of all is seeing dudes in dudes in purple camo pants pushing kids out of the way to get Troy Smith's signature. That is why you sir, Dale E. Beecher, who is want to write his opinions about this on WBAL's facebook page (you got a lot of free time buddy, but I guess I do to), are this week's Baltimoron. You feel you are being unfairly "turned away"?? You know why I don't have a problem with this... because I loved getting signatures when I was a kid, still love to look at them, but ever since I graduated high school I realized I had more important things in my life to worry about than someone putting ink on paper for me. Maybe you should focus your time on finding something else to aspire to achieve, like daily activities (a job perhaps) that keep you from needing football autographs.

Thought of the day

The thought is small

The guitar player for Train which brings you the song "Hey, Soul sister" is Howie Mandel.
Here is your proof.

Top 5.5 restaurants in Parkville (Well in my book)

Time for a Turner blog (Got called out by Smitty)

.5 - My half of a restaurant goes to "Kitchen of India"

Why half you ask? Never been there, want to though. Someone go with me!

Hell it has 4 stars on urban spoon.

5 - Best seafood - Conrad's Crabs, well you can't eat there and its not a restaurant but I don't give a shit this is my blog not yours. Anything they make is good, don't get the jumbo crabs though $88 a dozen!

Parkville Crabs blows! Don't buy crabs there.

4 - Tuesday night special - Bateman's! Three reasons why, 50 cent wings and pounds of shrimp 8.99.

After 10:00, $2 pints anything! I mean anything!

And the best part is Trivia! And these two donkeys that write this blog are in 3rd place!

3 - Best Beer - Maria's a beer is $1.41 (141 for life) if that is too much for you? Go to happy hour, 1.25 I think.

2 - El Salto - Bad ass Mexican food and it's cheap! It should be BYOS (salsa) they need better.... cheese dip is money though!

1 - Drum roll please........ Pappas - I don't care if Baltimore's best said it was the best crab cake too. It is the best god dammit. Hits all points of dining too, taking you girlfriend go to the fancy dinning room, guys night head to the crappy bar or go to the outside carry-out take the dam thing home.

Wednesday night $10 too, how can you beat that? Well you can't thats why it is number one.

Orioles Rant...

Ok, we all know the Orioles are terrible this year. This isn't groundbreaking, or anything I really like to talk about because I love the Orioles and always will, and the topic has been beaten like a dead horse. So instead, I've created new-ish names for most players when they are playing like the Orioles usually do: terrible.

Bad Bergesen (this one was too easy)

Dick Markaksis (in fairness Nick is playing very well this season)

Adam Jones-ing for a better outfielder

Miguel Tehorrible

Fat Weiters

Koji Uarehorrible (reused horrible, give me a break, I'm phoning this post in. Isn't it time for Turner to write one???)

Caesar Isterrible

Thank God Garrett Atkins is gone. No that isn't my nickname for him, but thank God that guys isn't on the team anymore, don't you agree?!?!?!

Kevin Millworst

Let me know what you call the O's players. Or do people not realize we still have Major League baseball in Baltimore??

Go O's! There is always next year...

The Best Show You Aren't Watching

Warren the Ape on MTV. It might sound like a joke, and I admit, I stopped watching MTV sometime after they took Korn's "Freak on a Leash" off of TRL. But this show might bring the network back to relevancy with anyone over the age of 12, or anyone not interested in 16 year olds being pregnant. I mean, look at that picture. Nothing can make me laugh more than a talking ape in a helmet(?) hooked on sex and booze trying to go through rehab with Dr. Drew. On a side note, it appears as Dr. Drew really doesn't care about helping real people anymore and is looking for a buck anywhere he can get it. Hey it's Hollywood, what else would you expect. But seriously, this might be my only reason for owning a tv right now.

Check out Warren the Ape before MTV gets rid of it for "I'm 70 and pregnant."

Baltimoron of the week: Man gets shot escaping from jail, hours before his release.

Baltimore: David Newton, on home detention awaiting trial on drug and burglary charges, had an opposite course. He would leave his home to go to work inside the jail, and would then return to his house at the end of the day, as a condition of his pre-trial release. So prison officials were perplexed Wednesday afternoon when they said the 19-year-old Newton, who was not cuffed or shackled, ran from correctional officers who were escorting him to the laundry room at the Baltimore City Detention Center. Authorities said Newton scaled one fence and was climbing over a second along East Monument Street when a correctional officer shot him twice in the leg. He was only hours away from the end of his shift, at which point he would have climbed into a prison van and been driven home. "He woke up in his own bed, and he could've gone back to his own bed tonight," said Rick Binetti, a spokesman for the Maryland Department of Public Safety and Correctional Services. Binetti stressed that extenuating circumstances could have prompted Newton to bolt — an open warrant, perhaps, or fear that he'd be locked up on another charge. But as of Wednesday evening, Newton's reasons for running remained a mystery.

Today we introduce the newest segment to the blog: The Baltimoron of the Week. We will give you the week's biggest idiot from Charm City be it athlete, celebrity, blogger, friends of blogger, or regular schmuck like we have today. There isn't a better candidate for our inaugural issue than David Newton. Homeboy was on work release, meaning he gets to go home every night, eat some lake trout, watch the O's lose, and sleep in his own bed. Sure he is working in a jail everyday, but who doesn't think their 9-5 is basically a jail cell every Monday-Friday?? (for the record, I'm writing this from the only backyard beach in Parkville, more on that to come later) Anyway, this donkey had it coming. I'm guessing whoever he was living with at home wouldn't shut the hell up, and made him want back behind bars. But he didn't have to get shot in the process. Here's to you, our first Baltimoron of the Week, David Newton.

Nothing to do with baltimore

I know this has nothing to do with Baltimore but it involves two of my favorite things, Jeopardy and Auto-tune,

Hope you enjoy.

And if you are a computer programmer got a great idea for you.

I'll write a little more later about the weekend.

The Wildest Saturday Night This Side of The Double Deuce...

So I don't know how to begin to classify went down on Saturday. It is somewhere between what I love about this town(and a huge reason I love living back in Baltimore) and holy shit get me the hell out of this town. So we'll just say it was a night that won't soon be forgotten.

It all started with another great performance by The Real Quaid at Dick's Famous Halfway Inn in Rosedale, Hon! Now if you haven't been to Dick's, I would't tell you go run out there and see it now like I say of Andy Nelson's, or other local joints detailed soon, but if you love part biker bar, part ocean paradise, part sports bar?, part only place where The Real Quaid can get a gig, and part uncooked chicken fingers, this is your place! Wait, don't go there yet, read the rest of this blog first. So anyway, The Real Quaid won the audience over much like The "Good Ole Blue Brothers Boys Band" with Steve's infamous 4th verse to "Before He Cheats." It looked pretty much like this...
With the audience in a frenzy, however, tensions started to flare, fists started flying, some big dude hit the deck, barstools became weapons, and well, you can probably read the police report for the rest. Now I don't know all the details, but let's just said a dude was getting his face stomped by the bartender, two "ladies" were put in choke-holds, and through it all, the band played on. At this point, no one left at Dick's was watching the band play anymore as the cops showed these monsters some cuffs and the back seat. But I can't say I cared too much, because the view from behind the drum kit was pure Baltimore at it's best! Did I ever expect my band to be playing the background noise to someone's trip to jail? No. Did I ever expect a huge brawl at Dicks? Yes! Should have seen that one coming I guess.

Dick's Halfway Inn looked pretty much like the Double Deuce from the movie Roadhouse Saturday night. Ok, maybe not that bad, but I'm glad I was there. At least I think so. You can probably go see for yourself this Saturday, or any other...

Adding to the day.

Also if your band is playing a show and you are looking for some sort of ridiculous gear (Scott didn't get shit) and your ok with with spending too much money for old clothing. More importantly you can withstand the horrible smell of old clothing 10 car is a great place to start looking. Or you are me and you want to waste $25 on a shirt you will never wear and needs to sew a button onto.

I would tell you the hours but the sign just says whenever we feel like it (want to run my business that way one of these day).

Best Lunch Around: Andy Nelson's

So when you wake up in the morning, and the kids are crying, there are frying pans in your bathtub and the front-yard reeks uncontrollably of bulldog doo, you know its time to get out of the house. (disclaimer: we do not have any kids of our own) Our best option to bide our time was lunch at Andy Nelson's BBQ on York Road in Cockeysville. Now Andy Nelson's is no secret to most people around the area as it is featured in nearly every best of magazine for barbecue. It's no joke either. With a perfect homemade barbecue sauce, selections from pulled pork, pulled turkey, beef brisket, great potato salad, cornbread and other fixin's, Nelson's is a must for lunch! Not to mention it has tons of seating and no rush service to get you, it is perfect when you need to get out of the house for say... 4 hours!